Back on the horse

Hi everyone,

It has been a while since I posted and that was a bit sporadic but I am getting back on the horse and giving it all another go, the blogging and the diabetes control! I was surprised to see that I have actually posted 27 times to this blog since I started it, i thought it was less than 10 (how the mind can fool us!) and that the blog has received over 1000 hits. I'm sure that is because it is linked to diabetes daily.

Anyway, to catch up on things chez Dee...........

The husband is doing very well, we have everything crossed that the tumour is a minor blip and that he will have no further problems. He is being kept an eye on with scans every 3 months so anything untoward will be dealt with quickly if needs be. But he is his normal self, and basically life is carrying on as if nothing ever happened which is great.

Sadly we lost our gorgeous dog in October but on 30th December we went out and bought a West Highland Terrier puppy and called him Charlie. Here he is at 14 weeks old. He is very cute but can have his moments and last week he nearly drove me to distraction. We are starting to do a bit of training with him now and I think he is starting to get the hang of it!!

On the diabetes front............... my HbA1c climbed to 11.5!! I was due to have an operation on my hands on 11th January but when I went in, they refused to do it because the blood sugars were so high and if I had got an infection it would have been really nasty. Also the healing wouldn't have been as quick. So my diabetes consultant decided it was time I went in and spent a few days in hospital so they could sort me out!! I spent 4 days in, while my basals were checked and I bolused correctly for carbs and the upshot was that my basals were pretty much correct, and that it is all the messing about with the bolusing that i do that was the problem. I am now paying privately for a psychologist (the hospital couldn't provide one on the NHS) and yesterday we really made some progress. I really need to do this because my consultant is threatening to take me off the pump if I don't improve my HbA1c, because it was actually lower on MDI - 9.9 before the pump.

Anyway this mornong I was woken by a hypo of 3.7 (66) and didn't panic. I had a couple of glucotabs and a biscuit and an hour later was at 7.3 (131).

So I am going to use this blog to chart how I get on. I still think I want to have a baby but I'm 40 in August so there's a hell of a lot to do if that is going to ever happen.

I hope some of my previous readers are still out there, I'd love to hear any comments or suggestions you may have for me.

Thanks for reading,
Dee

Where does the panic come from?

At 1.20pm my bgs were 13.8. (248) I took 4 units extended over an hour and had about 50g of carbs.

At 2.10pm my bgs were 14.6. (263) I drove to work.

At 2.40pm - 13.2. (237) Brain kicks in, "you are dropping - start getting anxious!!!" So I did!

At 3.00pm - 12.2. (219) Brain says "YOU ARE DROPPING FAST, PANIC AND DRINK LUCOZADE!!!!!!!!!!! So I did!!!!!

At 3.20pm - 13.2. (237) Phew, going back up, think "Stupid woman, now you are full of Lucozade and you'll have to correct later!!!!!!!!!!!

What happened was my immediate panic response kicked in. I believed that my stomach wasn't absorbing the food (gastroparesis kicking in) and that I would drop right down and pass out at work and have to have an ambulance, etc etc, big hoo hah!!!!

The fact was that had not happened, my brain just convinced me that it had. I was already too high to start with and had a LONG way to go to end up hypo.

HOW CAN I STOP THIS HAPPENING?????????????? I am seeing my GP on Monday about some dizziness I've been having so I may ask if I can be referred to the psychologist for some help or I'm never going to get these bgs down.

Therapy

Over the last 18 years or so, I have had quite a bit of therapy.

It started with a session of hypnosis after my first hospital admittance with ketosis. This was about 3 years after my fear and anxiety started. While I was in the hospital waiting to be let out, a hypnotherapist came to see me and set up an appointment at my flat. I was convinced it wouldn't work. When he came he first tested my susceptibility. He made me think that my arm was really heavy, and when it came to lift it, I really couldn't. It was quite strange.

He then made me squeeze my hand tight, and did whatever he did so that if I felt anxious I could squeeze my hand and the feelings would go away. It kind of worked, if I wasn't in too anxious of a state, but if I was in full panic mode, all thoughts of squeezing my hand went out the window.

And this is how all the therapies I have tried since have gone. It's all fine and dandy deciding on what coping mechanisms you can use, and talking it all through with a therapist/psychologist in a calm way in their office, but when it comes down to the nitty gritty of a hypo (or even the thought of one), I completely forget all that, and panic! "Replace your negative thoughts with positive ones," they say. When I am having a panic attack, all I can think of is "Oh my God, Oh no, what am I gonna do, what if I pass out, what if I die, Oh God!!!!!!!!!!" Not really anything positive there, is there?

I have tried Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT) - I get the theory, and the strategy of slowly exposing yourself to the thing you are scared of. But I'm too scared to do it!! So I don't get anywhere.

I tried Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing (EMDR) - that was pretty successful, but as soon as I had a scare, it all went out the window again.

I tried hypnosis again recently, but was too wound up to relax, in case I went hypo during hypnosis even though I had made sure I wouldn't.

I am now going to have another go at CBT by working through this book, Mind Over Mood. It has had some good reviews.

The irony of the situation is that my husband is a clinical psychologist, he fixes other people all the time, but because he is too close to me, he can't be my therapist. It is VERY frustrating!!